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"Healthy" Stuff I Will Never Try - Outside The Box

“Healthy” Stuff I Will Never Try

“Healthy” Stuff I Will Never Try

I’m a reasonably healthy person. I eat well. I go to the gym several times a week. I don’t get sick often. I have good skin, good teeth and I’m not overweight. Some of this is a direct result of how I live my life and, let’s be honest, some of it is genetics, pure and simple.  I would say my pursuit for good health is , ummm, healthy and generally based on science. I have a solid understanding of nutrition. I know that being active is good. So is drinking water and getting plenty of sleep.  These are things I can wrap my head around. I like logic. So, logically, there are some things that I just won’t do, even for the sake of good health. Some of them because they just don’t make sense and many of them because they just aren’t for me. Now before you keep reading and get your knickers all bunched up because I won’t do something that you do. Just because I am saying something is not for me and I may in fact make fun of that said something, doesn’t mean, well, anything.

Oil Pulling

Nope, just not going to do this one – ever. I can’t even stand the feel of a cold, greasy french fry in my mouth so the thought of swishing actual oil in my mouth for more than 2 seconds literally sends chills down my spine. And I’m pretty sure any health benefits become null and void when you barf.


So I’m not really talking about adding juicing as part of a more sane diet. Whatever, if you like to drink your veggies then who am I to judge?  But this whole of idea of only (or mainly) consuming juice as a way to lose weight or “detox” well it just ain’t for me. I remember years ago, my roommate and her best friend decided to do the infamous cabbage soup diet/detox. Twelve hours into the craziness I wanted to force feed them donuts. By day two I wanted to strangle them both to put us all out of our misery. Thankfully day three of the detox was abruptly ended with a plate of nachos.  I’ll just stick to being toxic I guess. If I set the carbon monoxide detector off then maybe I’ll rethink my position.

Butter Coffee

Ok I don’t like coffee so there is reason number one I’m put off with this craze. But even if I did, the idea of replacing my breakfast with a cup of java and 2 whopping tablespoons of butter (from grass fed cows, that is apparently the key) is just revolting. If I’m going to consume 200+ calories I damn well better be able to chew them.


Oh my word I know. I saw you just scowl at me. I can actually feel your primal, gluten free, glare burning through me. Simmer down. I actually eat a moderately “paleoish” diet. I just don’t call it that or #paleo every thing I eat. I have seen paleolites almost get into fist fights (I might be exaggerating) debating what is and what is not actually paleo. Does it matter?If you have to debate and research and then debate again whether you can eat a pea, well, yeah, not for me. Eat what you like and what makes you feel good.

Weight Loss Wraps

Now I suppose if I was feeling a little bloated and needed to fit into a slinky outfit tomorrow I might wrap my torso in plastic wrap and go sit in a sauna. Although I could also get the same effect by eating boiled eggs for lunch and a steak for dinner. The outcome is the same – water loss. I wouldn’t pay more than a nickel for that. Now if part of the deal was application by a tall, toned, shirtless stud well I might be convinced to at least give it a try. Is that a thing? If it’s not it should be.

Herbal Magic

I witnessed some friends of mine eat magic mushrooms once. It was hysterical. I will never ingest anything with the word magic in it.

Kale Chips

I actually did give in and try this. Because kale actually is healthy and everyone was raving about it. It may have been the worst thing I have ever eaten. The kale lovers kept telling me I did it wrong. No I didn’t. How can you even do it wrong? I bought local, organic kale. I used good quality olive oil and expensive sea salt brought back from Hawaii (I know, fancy right?). What could go wrong? Oh, I know. Kale chips are gross.

Read articles With Titles Like “Seven Foods That Should Never Touch Your Lips”

Seriously unless that list contains things like rat poison or kale chips it is just taking up valuable internet space.

Eat a Placenta

If Tom Cruise thinks something is a good idea it probably isn’t. But, again, to each his own. It seems to be the “celebrity” thing to do these days and maybe that’s a good enough reason to do it. I hear Oprah actually gives them away on her show. A placenta for you!  And you! And you!



This article has 5 comments

  1. Bahahahaha that was freaking hilarious! Kale chips are gross! The placenta thing just makes me gag a little and we’ll I am pretty sure I agree with everything you said! Thanks for the laugh 🙂

  2. Good list  hey if we can't laugh at ourselves    how will we ever get thru winter 

  3. Loved this column. Some good laughs. Thanks. I had heard about Oil Pulling and have seen it mentioned in a couple of blogs this week so I Googled it to find out what it is. Interesting.

    i watched an episode of Marketplace about detoxing. They did blood work before and after. They also used to control group. They found no difference in the blood work after with either group.

    I also don't understand this whole Paleo thing. Wouldn't a good bbq'd steak and baked potato be considered Paleo? 

    Eating a placenta? I spit up a little when I read that. I was talking to a lady who told me that she chews her food then feeds it her kids – that made me gag.

    I totally don't understand some 'health' fads. Totally beyond me.

    Herbal Magic – hilarious.

  4. Oh, thank you! This was so funny! I've never heard of Butter Coffee but, yuck. And I like coffee. 

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