There have been so many times over the past few months where I’ve sat down with the intentions of writing about this new life of mine. Life after separating from my spouse of nine years. Lord knows I have a lot to say.
I could write about how my ex continues to disappoint me at every turn. How I somehow thought he would try harder. Not to “win me back” because that shipped has sailed. But just to prove he can be a better person. I was wrong.
I could tell you how my daughter amazes me every single day. That her love for me has no limits (and mine for her). That I am excited for the life that her and I are going to have together. Because it’s going to be good.
I could tell you tales about dating. After so many years of not dating. The excitement. The frustration. All the things that come along with dating at that stage in life. That, in fact, would be a series of posts. Many of them not suitable for my family friendly blog…
I could go on and on about the absolutely lovely people in my life that have been there to hold my hand. Dry my eyes. Listen. Old friends. New friends. Unexpected friends.
Or I could go the other way and discuss the people that let me down in the after math of my marriage dissolving. People I thought cared for me that really did not. Friends that were never really friends. Family who weren’t really family at all.
I could tell you about the remarkable things that happened when I finally let people in and told them what was going on in my life. How opening up and being vulnerable allowed them to do the same.
Or maybe you’d like to hear how difficult it has been to put trust in people after all the lies and half truths I was fed for so long. How I take everything on myself because I am so use to how relying on others just ends in disappointment and frustration.
I could fill you in on the anxiety attacks. The sleepless nights. The complete exhaustion. The overwhelming stress I felt in those first few months.
I could also tell you how unbelievably good it felt to breathe again. To be something more, something better, than just someone’s wife. To slowly gain my confidence back and learn my value. To escape the gas lighting that I put up with for far too long.
So, yes, there are a lot of things I could say. That I’ve wanted to say. But it never felt like the right time until just this moment. Because in this moment I am not seething in anger. I am not overwhelmed with stress. In this moment there is some peace. Some clarity. Some hope. Hope for better things. And I have a few friends, people that I care about, that are currently going through experiences that are similiar to mine. Some are further along. For others it’s still really fresh. And I want you to know it does get better. And then some days it gets worse. But then it gets better again. And eventually the better days out number the worse days. And I am here for you, just as you’ve been here for me. This really is what I wanted to tell you after all. That you are going to be ok. And I am going to be ok. And that better is waiting there for each of us.