You were three years old the first time you screamed “I hate you!” to me. I can’t remember the specific details about why you were so mad at me but boy were you mad. As you stormed up the stairs to your room you hissed those words at me. And although I admit I was a bit surprised to hear you say it so soon (I thought I had a couple of years left before the H word was aimed at me) it wasn’t a devastating moment. You see I too was once a little girl with a stubborn streak and my own mother heard those words more often than I care to admit. And I know that I didn’t mean them. I thought I did. At the moment. But moments after saying hurtful words like that, especially to someone I loved, I regretted it. And because I know how much you are like me, I know you do too.
We’ve been through a lot together already in your five short years. We’ve had lots of ups and quite a few downs. I won’t lie. It’s been hard. Very hard at times. But the three of us – you, me and your dad, are in this for the long haul. Through thick and thin and everything in between. Whatever life throws at us we will continue to get through together.
I know you get mad at me. Sometimes that anger is a little bit out of your control, but many times it’s not. But you’re five, you will learn to mange that. I will help you. As best I can. I need to say that there are times when I feel like I’m not doing great with this whole mother thing. And that’s not your fault. I think most people feel overwhelmed when they try something for the first time. And this isn’t just anything. This is raising a child. This is huge. You depend on me to do this right. And I am doing, like I always tell you to do, my very best.
When you are so filled with rage at me, when you practically spit in my face that I am the worst mother in the world, those moments are unpleasant, but they don’t phase me. Because the anger that you throw at me is nothing compared to the love I know that you have in your little heart for me. I feel it every day. Every time you ask me to snuggle with you at night, every time you hold my hand, every time something is hurting you and you turn to me because you know that I will do whatever I can to fix it. You know that there is nothing I won’t do for you. I know that you love me every bit as much as I love you.