Today was a difficult day. Very difficult. We had wonderful plans. We were going to have a great day. A family day. A day filled with fun and giggles. There would be treats and hugs and lots of pictures to capture those precious memories.
Instead we had a day full of tears and frustrations. It was like riding a roller coaster but one that just keep speeding down hill faster and faster. There was no fun, no giggles or treats, no happy family pictures.
I feel the tears fighting to fall as I write this. I felt so much like I failed you today. You are three. And despite being ridiculously bright and articulate you don’t yet have a way of communicating everything to us. You have fears. Fears that hold you back. That fill you with anxiety. But you don’t quite understand how to let us know or even that you CAN let us know. You try. Oh how I know you try. You put on a brave face and try to get past them but you just can’t. You hide them behind little quirks that soon turn into obsessions. Obsessions that disable you. That prevent you from just being. Someone so young, so full of life and love should not have to feel that way.
This is the kind of day that makes me question my ability as a parent. That makes me wonder were and how I went so wrong. Am I failing you? Am I holding you back and limiting your potential? Will you look back one day and wonder why I didn’t do better?
Today was a difficult day.
Today was a great day. A really great day. We made no plans, had no expectations. We just went where the day, and you, took us. Today was full of fun and giggles. There were so many hugs and amazing pictures capturing these moments to reflect back upon.
Today you lived for the moment. Running through the sprinkler, eating hot dogs, taking delight in feeding the baby geese at the lake. You smiled big. You stood at the door while I was cutting the lawn, yelling over the roar of the lawn mower “Mommy! I love you!”. You spontaneously stopped and kissed my hand that you were holding as we walked through the park. You filled my heart so full today that I thought it might burst.
Today nothing held you back. You were completely fearless. You danced and sang and showered us with affection. Today I felt like I was doing something right. Like I was maybe not so horrible at this parenting thing. I felt that maybe, just maybe, I was getting you off on the right foot.
Today was a great day.